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I am Andreas. Day time programmer and technical consultant. Night time musician and game developer.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Movie review: Aliens vs Predator Requiem

Wow, just wow. Go to the movies and watch this oedipal train wreck of a film, hollywood's latest and probably not last attempt at fucking its own heritage in the ass.

I suppose we should be given to have some level of understanding that a film called Aliens versus Predator is inherently ridiculous from the offset, but the fact of the matter is, all it takes is one glance at the two franchises being fisted here to realize any attempt at bringing them together should either be left to people with HUGE brains, or left well alone. Two of the most recognizable horror franchises of the pre 00's, stuffed ass first into this, a one and a half hour long cavalcade of off-screen deaths, shaky camera work, shoddy rubber suits, half baked attempts at paying homages to the original films, and exactly no characters to care about. It's a party.

I can't be arsed talking about the plot, because there isn't one. Predators act like drunken sailors and fail to realize one of their guys has a little alien baby coming, smashing their alien-filled ship into America. Always America. Considering it's actually cheaper to shoot a movie filled with unknown actors in eastern europe, i'm frankly surprised the film wasn't moved to a european location. You know, if only to attempt to convince the rest of the world US filmmakers actually know what's outside their own borders. But i digress.

Aliens. On earth. And there's a predator dude out to clean up the mess (presumably). There's a town full of "people", including The Jock, The Sherriff, The Outlaw, The Tough Mom, and The Kid That Needs Saving. There are also some army dudes of unfathomable ineptitude. Who cares.

I'm actually stumped as to what else i can say about this, because it really is one of the dumbest films i've seen in a very long time. What i will do is a point by point list of what i liked and what i didnt.

What i liked
* One nice explosion effect shot.

* It's always good to see Predators wrasslin' it up. Still a fun character.

What i didn't like
* Bodycount overload, on both sides of the fence. There are so many aliens and people biting it here that you become desensitized to it within moments. There is no impact to any death; there are too many bad guys, and they die all the time. There is never any triumph to taking down the villain. In terms of death, this film shouts at you, all the time. It loses its effect rather quickly.

* Terrible, terrible sound work. The aliens apparently have exactly two words in their vocabulary; Hiss, and pitched up elephant. WRrreee. Oh come on. This movie has more pitched up elephant in it than a movie about elephants would have if you pitched it up. Every sound effect that's well done was well done in the 80s. No attempt at playing with the audio template has been made.

* Annoying attention to child murder. I'm not saying child murder is a bad thing. In fact, i fully condone it in the context of the horror film, because it's one of the most disturbing, horrible things i can imagine. Playing it off as The Gimmick Of The Film though, as is done here, is exploitive. Also cue lots of kids watching their parents die. Gnarly.

* Aliens have never, ever been less scary. They're in plain sight, all the time, in all their hobbling man-in-a-suit-ness. Gone are the hideous deliberate biomechanics of Alien, as is the abstract insectoid mob of Aliens. There is nothing particularly alien about these dudes anymore. They're just a bunch of scrawling, whining pig elephants that drip water everywhere and bleed yellow stuff that is SOMETIMES acid and sometimes nothing at all.

* Women get it. Big time. Screw those guys for being able to have children!

* The attempts at homages to the alien films. Woman driving an APC, turning to the camera shouting "Hold on!". Guy named Dallas. Subtle. Retarded.

* The hilarious magical predator/alien hybrid, which looks like a big fat hydrocephalic man with hotdogs hanging off his head.

* One of the single worst soundtracks for a movie of this sort. It's like sci-fi channel originals material.

If you want to see a really freaking dumb movie with lots of people dying and some aliens and also there's a predator, then by all means, support Hollywood's rape of the artform and pay to see this film.

Everyone affiliated with this film deserves a hard knee in the groin.

edit: check out the wikipedia page for this film
It may be as retarded as the film itself. God i love it when people try justifying sci-fi logic.

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